I Don’t Need Help!

I Don’t Need Help

Why support is crucial when it comes to healing, and finding peace, after surviving child sexual abuse.

“I don’t need your help, I don’t need anyone’s help” I remember always yelling these words to my husband while enraged from the overwhelming feeling of being such a failure. No matter how hard I tried I ended up screwing up all over again because I could not stop my past from controlling my life. I figured that I had made it this far in life, and I desperately wanted to prove I could do, whatever it was I thought I could do and I was going to do it all by myself. What I could not see at the time was that it was so much more of a struggle trying to do it on my own, and figuring out what to do next or knowing the answers to my questions of “why” was not something I could do on my own. I desperately was in need of a mind, body, and soul dump to someone who would listen and help me to become the woman I was really meant to be.

Do you desperately want to forget your past so you can move on with your life hoping to finally be happy and have that sense of peace in your mind? Do your emotions pull you left and right leaving you drained most of the time? Are you left unsure of what can help because you tried so many things but you’re still feeling the struggle with the heaviness of your past trying to pull you down?

You want to get better and feel happier but something so simple can set you off and make things go from well, to feeling like a failure again. You battle with the feeling that you’re letting your family or those who care about you down, you don’t mean to, it just happens right.

Sometimes you wish that there was someone you could talk to who understood what you are going through so that you can feel like your not losing your mind all the time. Someone who could help you figure out how to stop feeling hurt, lonely, angry, sad, guilty or ashamed and maybe fearful because you really just want to be happy like everyone else. You want to feel peace even though you have no real experience of what it actually feels like, you have tried, but you find it so hard to keep your mind still from thinking about a million things at once. This makes you forget where you have put things like your phone, or when that appointment was to see the doctor, or what time the kids said you had to be at their school assembly, that you promised to go to this time, but desperately want to avoid just so you don’t have to put on the smile and pretend everything is ok. You really hate it when people judge you because they don’t understand and all you want is for people to know how hard of a life you have had but you dare not tell them what you have been through because again, you don’t want people to think differently about you.

You find that as much as you try to let go and to forget the past, it just seems to find it’s way back into your life and ruining what you have been working so hard at fixing yourself.

Coming out and healing from the trauma, sadness, loneliness, fear and all the other overwhelming emotions attached to our experiences of child sexual abuse leaves us unsure where to start in the beginning and possibly along the way when we feel stuck.

It is very easy to get caught up and feel tangled in a rope of lies from our past, expectations from the world, with no idea where to go or where to start to unravel the mess that has been keeping you bound up and stopping, or holding you back from continuing down your journey of finding that inner peace.

The reason for not knowing where to start may possibly be because you just can’t answer the simple questions like “what do I really want to do now?” “how can I make my life better?” “what really makes me happy?” or “what is my favourite thing to do?”. Questions like these may be simple for some but when we have never thought about it, it takes time to figure out the answer.

We are so used to doing things for everyone else to please them so others can be happy, we want to fit in with the rest of the world despite the deep down knowing that we don’t belong in boxes and dislike being labeled.

It is perfectly fine to feel unique in this world but please know, the truth is that you are not alone. You are the expert in your life when it comes to what you truly need and of course, nothing happens unless you take the steps to move forward and begin or continue your journey of healing from the abuse. As much as we would like to forget our past by running away from it or pushing it, as deep down where no one can see, the truth is that it will come up eventually in different parts of your life and possibly eat you away from the inside out. The unpacking must be done and I promise it does get easier with one step at a time. You can’t fail when you try.

When I first sought a professional psychologist, I booked an appointment with my doctor and told him I needed help. It was such a great feeling taking that first brave step 9 years ago and I have never looked back.

It is a huge thing to ask for help and even bigger to trust someone so I knew that whoever I was going to see had to be someone who I could trust and feel comfortable with, and I would know straight away. I knew that if I didn’t get along with whoever my doctor chose to send me to, I would ask to see someone else because I was serious about taking my life back. As I sat in the waiting area I spotted the psychologists name printed on the glass door and at the end of her name were letters telling me she graduated with honors and I knew that she would be perfect for me because I could not hide anything from her. I had no choice but to be fully committed and honest with her about everything if I wanted to have the future I really wanted for myself, my children, and my husband.

Support is vital in every part of the journey when healing and becoming empowered after child sexual abuse. Yes, it is very much possible to reclaim your life and strengthen from the past. We are here to support you, every step of the way. At Meant To Rise we BELIEVE you, we HEAR you, and we support you no matter what stage you are currently at. There is always support available for you with options to suit your immediate needs. We understand the roadblocks that can arise but there is always a choice suitable to you.

For further information about support in your local area, please email us.

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